"It was what it was" - Last Day as a NHS Employee, The Long Trek Home, and Some Final Thoughts...

I am writing this from my home computer desk in the great state of Wisconsin as I am eating some frozen chocolate chip cookies that I stole from my mother's freezer. It feels pretty good to be home.

Yesterday was my last official day at NHS. I can't say that I got any work done at all, but I will get paid and got to say goodbye to some special people, so it was a good day in my book.

Friday started off a bit rocky. The first thing that the English teacher told me was it looked like I just rolled out of bed. She was partially correct. I was carrying with me a decent hangover from the night before, when I had consumed two 20 oz. daiquiris, and a large and a medium margarita from Mi Patio. Note: The large margarita at Mi Patio is the same size as the Extra Grande margarita from La Careta's. Luckily, my cell phone had been dead for several days, so I was unable to send any idiotic text messages.

I did not feel guilty about wearing my Wisconsin pride in the form of a headache to my last day of work for a few different reasons:

1. There were no students in the school. All I was supposed to do was "clean" my room, and I didn't need to do much with that because my room is being used for LEAP summer remediation.

2. I was out drinking with my boss the night before.

3. She also said she "didn't feel great".

4. Both the hardass sergeant and the assistant principal (Huggy Bear) were drunk. At 8:30 in the morning.

We had a morning meeting which was pretty entertaining. Huggy Bear got up and spoke for what seemed like an eternity. I thought Slowhand was a slow speaker, but Huggy Bear makes him sound like Skinny Kid. Huggy Bear is probably the most worthless employee of all time. He sits in his office all day every day and reads the paper. He gave a speech about how he is always fighting for NHS and wants us to make sure that others don't talk bad about the school. It is quite a fight he must be fighting with his feet up on his desk in his office. I guess there's that Southern work ethic.

As I said, I did very little work. I threw away a bunch of loose papers. My big find for the day was the check that Shaggy had written for me way back when he had his meltdown, punching the board in my room. That incident led to him threatening his grandmother. He is now locked up. I gave it to my uncle as a souvenir.

The rest of my morning was spent hanging out with the sergeant across the hall and playing computer games. Again, I was getting paid to do this.

At eleven, the entire staff went to Mike's Catfish Inn for lunch. Knowing my time was up, I ordered a seafood platter and enjoyed fried oysters, fried catfish, and fried shrimp Louisiana-style one final time. I will genuinely miss the food here.

The principal spoke and gave out plaques to Slowhand, Sleepy, and my uncle. They are not technically employed by the school district, instead working for a group that was assigned to NHS. She gave my uncle a special plaque with a poem. It was very apparent that she spent a lot of time working on it and she broke down as she was presenting it to him. She is a crier.

It must be difficult for NHS to be somebody's life. I believe that I came in with the right attitude and gained a lot from my experience, but I always say the finish line. The principal has been here for ten years, and she cares so much that it kills her. My uncle has meant a lot to that school, and I know he helped her break out of her shell a bit as well. The attitude with the staff has certainly improved (from what I've heard) since the Wisconsin boys have jumped on board.

After lunch, it was time to say some goodbyes. It is always strange to say goodbye to somebody I will probably never see again. People approach it differently. There were the huggers. There were the people who didn't even acknowledge me before leaving. And then of course, there was my goodbye to the English teacher, who is married to a youth pastor. I have never once heard her curse. She won't even repeat what the students say when they curse. Fittingly, I flicked her off.

One of my goals since I have been here has been to go drinking with the sergeants. It wasn't completely fulfilled, but my uncle and I went to the seafood place by school with Slowhand and the hardass sergeant (apparently, the other two don't drink) and split a six pack of Coors Light. I am sorry that I didn't get to know the sergeants better than I did. The hardass sergeant is one of the funniest people I have probably ever met in my entire life. I barely said a word, instead in stitches over what he was saying. For example, his wife was complaining about not having money. He responded with, "You're sitting on a goddamn gold mine. Work it!"

It is interesting for me to see the side of the sergeant different from the strict disciplinarian that he is while in uniform at school. I think that it is probably similar to the way my kids perceive me. They don't realize that in social settings, I am very different than I am when teaching. That is just one of the reasons why I was so glad that we got to perform the song. It showed me as being human.

While we were talking about the students, Slowhand (still wearing a black shirt, boots, and a black ten-gallon hat) offered his quote of the day. I have no clue where he was going or even what he was trying to say, but this is what came out: "No matter how many times...they call me...stupid."

Check "having a beer with 'a' sergeant" off the list.

Back at the apartment, I finished my packing and decided I was going to try to leave later that night. I also picked up some seafood to bring home. I look forward to eating it soon.

My uncle and I went to say goodbye to the principal. I was pleased that my package that I had ordered from eBay two weeks ago had finally arrived. I presented her with a cheesehead to always remind her of the Wisconsin guys. She does have a very strong personality (the nice way to say it), but she needs to and I will miss having her as a boss. She was very supportive and stood behind her staff.

After saying goodbye, I loaded up my car and went to the Science teacher's house. She was having a party. It was a small group, partially due to the weather. However, Slowhand was there, still wearing his trusted hat. I am pleased to report that Slowhand now knows his nicknamed and even admitted "that fits pretty good." He also is talking about taking some typing classes.

I left her house at 10:30 and started north on 55. It was a strange feeling. I can vividly remember my first weekend here, crying like a baby as I was overwhelmed, 942 miles from home. Yesterday, I couldn't stop smiling, thinking of all of the memories that I have made and how glad I was that I took the chance in the first place. I knew I was leaving with a lot more than I came down with.

I know that it wasn't a good idea to drive straight through the night from Louisiana to Wisconsin without a cell phone (mine is dead), but after a few months at NHS, I was feeling brave. In fifteen and a half hours, I made it home, arriving shortly after two. Besides some traffic and lots of road construction in northern Illinois, the journey was pretty smooth. A few things:

1) I did drive straight through and was greatly aided by a Five-Hour Energy Shot, two Six-Hour Power Energy Shots, an Amp Energy Shot, a small cup of coffee, a 20 oz. Mountain Dew, a New Orleans cigar, and three peach-flavored Swisher Sweets cigarillos. I probably looked and felt like many of my students.

2) It took me 2-3 hours less coming back home than it did going out to Louisiana.

3) Illinois is one large state. They should just have it removed.

4) It felt pretty good pulling into my driveway today. However, it was strange changing my "home address" on my GPS.

It is bittersweet being back in Wisconsin. I could feel that it was time to come back, but I will honestly miss a lot of things about Louisiana. Today, I closed a chapter in my life. However, I know that it will be revisited for the rest of my life.

All told, fifty students at NHS will be transitioning back to their home-based school. They include TB, Psycho T, Lady Cheaterly, The Great Black Hope, The Big White Kid, Jam Master Jay, Rosie, The Silver Tongue, Power Off, Prudence, Dogface, The Barber, Man Man, Teletubby, Slim, Miss Piggy, and Skinny Kid (formerly in Camo). Many of them will end up finding trouble once again and will be returning to NHS. Some will not.

I am so glad that I took the time to write this blog. It will be a wonderful resource to have as I age and I can look back on my first "real job" and remember some of the incredible things that I experienced. I appreciate that people took the time to read. I hope you enjoyed it. Please feel free to post any comments you wish.

I tried to end every class period in the same manner: I reviewed what we "learned" and how we would be using that information in the future. I would like to end my blog in the same manner. I can safely say that this was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I have compiled a list of just a few of the things that I gained from the experience. Thanks again for reading.

1. All the sweetest winds blow across the south.

2. I did it.

3. Popeye's >>>>>>>>> KFC

4. No man is an island, but every man is an iceberg. You can only see the tip.

5. Ultimately, we are all products of our environments even if we won't admit it.

6. Unfortunately, most people are never able to get beyond that.

7. In teaching, it's not what you know. It's what you can show. At NHS, you may need to show it 15-20 times and some of them still won't see it.

8. Everybody makes extremely rash, illogical, and poor decisions. Most of us look back at them, ask "Why did I do that?" and then use that knowledge to better prepare us for future decisions. Others never ask the question.

9. I saw a little bit of a lot of people that I know in these kids. Only that little bit was multiplied by about 100.

10. Even if it's just a glimpse that disappears when you close your eyes, you can see the good in anybody if you look hard enough.

11. That being said, it's always easier to see and focus on the negatives.

12. When I say the word "down", it sounds funny. I also use the word "okay" a ton while lecturing.

13. If they can't look you in the eye, they aren't telling the truth.

14. If they don't know how to do a problem, they just multiply all the numbers together.

15. The dress clothes can be deceiving.

16. A 300 page blog doesn't begin to tell the story.

17. Two things that I really need to work on: organization and brevity.

18. I honestly never looked at them and thought about how poor they were. I couldn't. I didn't want to imagine what their lives at home were/are like.

19. I am more tolerant and accepting of other races than I was when I started. After my first week, I never thought that would happen.

20. Cat = pussycat = pussy = YEAHHHHHHH MAN!!!

21. Catfish isn't cat, but it is still delicious.

22. I am a hell of a lot tougher than I thought I was.

23. You can't beat $1 Banquet chicken finger TV dinners or $1.25 Totino's pepperoni pizzas. I know how to live like a "penny prince".

24. Life is a lot like an oyster: It looks really scary and you never know what to expect, but you just gotta suck it up and enjoy whatever flavor comes your way.

25. "Ignorance is bliss." - Teletubby

26. "We aren't bad kids, we are just troubled." - Suit Man

27. Sometimes people push you away just to see if you'll keep coming back.

28. They really do want to be good. They just don't have the drive to be constant. It's all about instant gratification.

29. Speaking of which, $1 wort hof chocolate goes a long way.

30. First impressions are seldom wrong, but every once in a while, people will surprise you.

31. No Child Left Behind (and High stakes testing) is a joke.

32. The race card will always be in the deck and will always be played.

33. Never drink an Extra Grande Margarita at La Careta's and text your ex-girlfriend, telling her how you really feel.

34. Next drink an Extra Grade Margarita at La Careta's and text your buddy, offering to buy all of his drinks if he comes to visit you.

35. Drive-thru Daiquiris: Smart idea? No. Delicious idea? Yes.

36. GOMD: Every great story needs a romantic subplot. That is why this story fell short. I apologize for not being able to provide it. If only I had gotten a full sentence out, things would have been very different.

37. I no longer need my sister to tie my tie for me.

38. I still have never ironed my own clothes before. I'll need to work on that for the next job.

39. Losing weight in Louisiana is neary impossible. It is no wonder that it's the fattest state in the country.

40. You can deep fry just about anything.

41. Everybody should experience Mardi Gras atleast once in their lifetime.

42. Strip clubs are morally reprehensible, but if you are out on Bourbon Street, you have to go in atleast one.

43. A Hand Grenade will always go off about 30 minutes after the pin is removed, and it will destroy the person closest to it.

44. "Do you want to have some fun?" = Gonna cost you some $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

45. If they say you aren't doing your job, it usually means that you are.

46. Nobody likes looking stupid, and some people will go to great lengths in an attempt to hide what they don't know.

47. I gained a newfound appreciation for my parents. When I screwed up, they didn't tell me that they would "beat my ass" when we got home. The apple doesn't normally fall far from the tree. I think that if they had seen this school, they'd gain a newfound appreciation for me, too. I didn't screw up nearly as much as these kids do.

48. It only takes one person to make your day.

49. The compliments stuck with me a lot longer than the insults did.

50. Sometimes, so much happened in one day that when I was writing my blog, I forgot what happened in entire class periods and it would take me a while to remember.

51. Girls in Louisiana are amazing. If I had any game at all...

52. Work ethic in Lousiana: Not so much. I have never seen so many goft carts on a par 3 golf course before, never stood in line at WalMart for 20 minutes before, and never seen so many people waiting anxiously for 3:15 so they could go home.

53. Since I started on February 4, my uncle and I are the only two employees in the entire school that didn't miss a day of work.

54. I have never seen kids that needed to go to the bathrom or got sick more often than these students.

55. I still can't bring myself to say "y'all".

56. There is no such thing as normal. Everybody is screwed up in their own way.

57. In less than four months, I learned and lived more than I did in four years of college.

58. I never thought I'd enjoy it. I just wanted to survive. I knew once I started, I wouldn't quit. I am so happy that I made the choice, because I really did end up enjoying it.

59. If you are going to forge your boss' signature, make sure you know how to spell his/her name.

60. I will sincerely miss four things about Louisiana: the weather, the food, the people, and the feeling that I truly made a difference, no matter how small.

61. They would come to class and call me by the social studies teacher's name. They won't remember my name, but I will always remember theirs.

62. Things are seldom what you expect. One week of lesson plans became two months of work.

63. It is always easier to blame somebody else for your shortcomings.

64. I often wonder what my dad would say about things that are going on in my life. With my teaching, I know that he would say he was proud of me.

65. I taught at NHS. I can handle teaching anywhere.

66. I lived with my uncle for almost four months. I can handle living with anybody.

67. My uncle and I will have inside jokes for the rest of our lives. The Slowhand impersonation will never die.

68. The sad thing is most of the kids didn't make it out and most won't. A good portion of those that did will end up getting in trouble again and going back to NHS. Still, it only takes one to make it all worthwhile.

69. Slowhand taught me love my mother with all her motherly camaraderie.

70. I still have a knack for giving nicknames: Slowhand, Huggy Bear, and Humpty Dumpty as well as all of the students I gave names to. I still wonder if they came up with anything for me besides Bobblehead and Airhead.

71. One of my biggest faults is taking everything to heart. I think it is a good thing that I care, but I am larning not to dwell so much on every little thing. I'll never like hearing "you're a bad teacher", but I got better at dealing with it. They hated when they would say something to insult me and I'd be able to smile through it.

72. Sometimes, 1000 miles seemed like I was on another planet. Other times, it didn't feel that far at all.

73. I know that everybody sees things differently and I think that in order to gain something out of an experience, you must let it affect you. I never want to be somebody that sleepwalks through life with my eyes and my heart closed.

74. You don't need to be stumbling to be "tripping".

75. You don't need to be black to be a "nigger".

76. In Louisiana, you don't need to be certified to be a teacher. In fact, you don't even need to be a college graduate to be a substitute teacher.

77. I came in here with the understanding that my uncle would pay the rent in its' entirety. He never asked me about it, and I know he would have never said a word if I hadn't paid him a dime. I split it with him anyways. Truth be told, it was worth every penny to be able to call my residence "our apartment" as opposed to "his apartment".

78. After sleeping on an air mattress with a substantial hole in it for four months, I have a newfound appreciation for my own bed.

79. No matter how much I hear rap (at school) or country (in the bars), I don't think I will ever enjoy that garbage.

80. Teaching is as noble a profession as you're likely to find. They don't do it for the money. They don't do it for the recognition. They do it because getting through to that one kid means everything.

81. Since I've graduated from college, I have looked for moments of clarity. I want nothing more than a sign to give me some direction as to what I am supposed to do with my life. After these four months, I am left more confused than ever.

82. Maybe this experience did not directly tell me what profession I should pursue, but it did give me a pretty good understanding of who I am.

83. That being said, I do believe that if I choose to take the necessary steps, I think I would make a pretty good teacher. I know my subject and care about the kids.

84. They will never admit it, but they know that I care.

85. I cam in with a middle class mindframe. It was all about success. I cared about getting kids to pass their LEAP tests and promote out of the school. In the end, it became more about making connections that had very little to do with math.

86. Happenstance is a confusing, yet wonderful thing.

87. Don't turn your back on them. Ever.

88. A meal tastes a lot better when I pay for it (even a dollar TV dinner). If it wasn't for so much money, I wouldn't have cashed my first paycheck. I would have framed it instead.

89. "Shut your mouth" is now one of my favorite phrases.

90. I actually enjoy dressing up now.

91. As the NHS motto states: "It is what it is."

92. I never could get the temperature in the room quite right. I taught too fast. My pants were too tight. My hair looked fake. I gave out too many checks. I was "wrong for that" more times than I care to remember. I didn't get as many kids to pass as I had hoped. But I still feel like I succeeded.

93. They taught me a lot more than I taught them.

94. Candy Bar Man made me smile. Ho Man made me laugh. Teletubby gave me a headache. Skinny Kid gave me hope. I would hope taht I gave them a little bit of information regarding mathematics and the feeling that some fat, awkward white guy honestly gave a shit about them.

95. I have given up on the hope that I'll ever be cool.

96. I am too young and too stubborn right now to giv eup on the hope that I'll someday change the world.

97. It is pretty amazing that in a few short months, I met people that will impact the rest of my life.

98. Everybody has a story worth hearing. Unfortunately, most people never take the time to tell it.

99. I thought long and hard about whether or not I should make the trip south and take a job that nobody seemed to be able to last more than three days doing. After looking at the pros and cons and asking everybody I knew for advice, I based my decision upon a single thought: I remembered those old Army (I believe) commercials where they asked the simple question: IF they wrote a book on your life, would anybody care to read it? The answer was no. I was doing nothing worth talking about. I decided to take a risk, to force myself to open my eyes to some things that I'd never seen before and may never see again. It wasn't the easy choice, but I made it anyways, and it means a lot to know that some people thought it was worth reading.

100. One of the biggest tests of my life, and I passed it.

Saying Goodbye to the NHS students

Today was probably the last day I'll ever see Teletubby, Jam Master Jay, Psycho T, The Silver Tongue, Rosie, Dumbo, Strahan, Dogface, Lady Cheaterly, Big White Kid, etc. A lot of my favorites (Skinny Kid, Ho Man, and Candy Bar Man) were not even at school. Needless to say, it was a pretty bittersweet day.

It was to be a pretty unique day. Only a half-day in the schedule, administration decided that it would be the time we held the auction, where kids could bid on items with whatever money they had left over. All of the checks I demanded wiped out quite a few accounts. Anyways, I figured it'd be a fun day for the kids and would also allow me to do something I'd never done before.

My homeroom class came to me as I waited for the word to let them go to the cafeteria for the auction. It took a little longer than expected, so I hung out and shot the breeze. I decided that it being the last day of class, it was an opportunity to lighten up a bit. Nothing wrong with showing my students that I, too, am human. Jam Master Jay had Starbursts he was sharing, and I told him that I didn't care as long as he gave me one. He was also chewing gum. Oh well.

The conversation once again revolved around the very important question: Lebron or Kobe? It seemed like a nearly unanimous decision for Lebron, but Jam Master Jay still hates him. Jokingly, I gave him a check, citing how it had been a while. He went to the garbage can, tore it into pieces and then decided to throw it up in the air with arms outstretched, mocking Lebron James's pregame routine. Pretty funny.

The kids were getting a bit restless, so I was pleased when I finally got word to send them around 8:40.

The auction began with a surprise performance. A surprise for the students, that is. I had been practicing with Slowhand and the sergeants all week. My uncle got the crazy idea that Slowhand and I should play a song together after he learned that Slowhand was taking bass lessons and sang at church. I agreed, not really believing it would ever happen. It did. With a little help from my uncle, I rewrote the words to Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues". Here is the NHS version:

N-------- High School Blues

I hear the bus a comin’
Down Highway 51
And I ain’t seen my home school since they told me I was done
I’m stuck at N-------- High School and time keeps draggin’ on
But my teacher keeps a talkin’ and class is running long

When I was just in 6th grade, Sergeant (Grinch) told me, son
“Always be a good boy, and quit flappin’ your gums”
But I threatened Sergeant (Hardass) and faced my greatest fear
I heard that man a shoutin’, “Get on over here!”

I bet Miss (Principal) is laughing when she sees I’m written up
She probably thinks I’m crazy and I just can’t get enough
Well I know I had it coming, know why I got expelled
But those people keep a pushin’
That’s why it doesn’t help

Well if they freed me from this high school
If that home-based school was mine
I know I’d keep my act straight, straight on down the line
Far from N-------- High School, that’s where I want to stay
And I’d let that lonesome horn blast all my blues away

As I said, Slowhand sang while I played guitar. The two sergeants mentioned in the song also spoke their lines in their "usual" tones. Between the second and third verses, I played a little instrumental solo while the sergeants started shouting out random things. Sergeant Grinch really got into it. Not only was he cutting a rug, but he yelled at some boy and forced him to do pushups in front of everybody.

A few things come to mind while looking back on our performance:

1) The staff and the students both thought it was absolutely hilarious.

2) Slowhand and I were both dressed in black. Slowhand had on some fancy boots and a ten gallon hat.

3) I didn't play it very well. I started too slow, then sped up to try to catch up to Slowhand, who was singing too fast. I hit some bum bass notes and I also didn't play loudly enough.

4) It didn't matter.

The truth is, I have always been afraid to play my guitar in front of people. Playing in front of one other person is terrifying. I am far from good, although I realize few people can tell the difference. Today, I played an incredibly easy (three chord) song pretty poorly. However, that's not at all what I'll remember. I got up in front of 80-100 that I didn't know four months ago and played my guitar. There is no chance in hell I could have done that a few months ago.

Check "Play an open mic with Slowhand" off my list of things to do in Louisiana.

After the kids calmed down, the auction started. We had informed the students that it was to be a silent auction. They used their time cards (what they bring to me first thing in the morning) which had dollar amounts on the back. After an item was presented and a dollar amount was called by one of the teachers (see: long rant from yesterday about the teacher forced to resign) students held up their time cards. As soon as the amount was high enough so only one student had their card raised, the "final bid" was locked in place. "Going once, twice, sold!" In theory, it was pretty easy.

Of course, our students had all sorts of problems. Several had issues raising their arms all the way up. One student won an Itunes gift, and then decided he didn't want it, so he blew his money for nothing. Kids didn't realize that they could bid up to the amount of money that they had. For example, if somebody had $20 remaining, they would have their card up at $18, but would lower it when $20 was announced.

And of course, one of the special ed teachers (the only one not getting fired) had to flex her muscles. Very few students know who she is, but she decided that she would take it upon herself to call out how many students had their time cards raised. At every single dollar amount. I wish that Suit Man would have come to school with his gun, because she was driving me nuts. It was absolutely unbearable.

I sat down and took it all in. I noticed that these kids aren't very strategic. I noticed that when the items first appeared, the bids were high. An IPOD shuffle was going for $200. Towards the latter half of the auction, that cost was cut in half. Patience is a virtue.

I also didn't understand why the kids seemed to be anti-gift card. There were gift cards, ranging from WalMart, to Itunes, to GoPhone. I remember that one of the Itunes gift cards went for $7. Remember that this is not real money and the students get $30 a week for coming to school and not getting any checks.

I plopped down next to the English teacher and was also by a few of my most interesting students. The Silver Tongue made several mentions of what she thought of me. Earlier that day in the hallway, I had said hello to her. She responded, "I don't want your big, ugly head talking to me." I responded with three words: Pot. Kettle. Black. It went right over her head. While I was sitting down, she turned to me and said, "I don't like you. Don't talk to me." A minute later, she asked me to throw away her gum. When I refused, she was stunned.

Teletubby was also sitting nearby. He was gabbing with his little lady friends and said, "I would have a lot of money, but it's one person's fault." I turned to him and said, "Yeah. Yours." He responded, "Uhh, no, Mr. C--------. It was all you." A minute later when he was talking, I told the big kid in the green shirt and black vest that didn't cover his large belly, "You look like a big turtle." Once again, he had a reply: "So? You look like an airhead." I decided that the only way to get him back was to tell him to bid on things, knowing he was out of money. I was "wrong for that".

The items, which included MP3 players, GoPhones, IPODs, Itunes and Walmart gift cards, phone cards, glow sticks, watches, makeup, a portable DVD player, and other things, were about out and it was decided that a little bit of time had to be killed before the buses arrived around 11:00. The teachers decided to ask random trivia questions and award suckers to those that knew the answers. Pretty dumb. The only trivia question I enjoyed was: "On the high school side, which teacher gives out the most checks?" An explosive chorus belted out "Mr. C-------!!!" Jam Master Jay made his way up to me and lifted my right hand high into the air as if I had just won the heavyweight title. I couldn't help but laugh. Lots of students got that answer correct.

Teletubby's final words that he spoke (and likely will ever speak) to me were as follows:

"Mr. C------, come over here. Mr. C-------, is dat you real hair?" After I replied yes, he asked if he could check and gave my hair a pretty strong tug. "Ooooh, it really is." Fitting.

The auction wound down and the buses came. It was time to say goodbye.

It couldn't have been difficult for the kids. They were all excited for summer vacation, and for some, the opportunity to go back to their old schools and return to a "normal" high school life. It was a bit harder for me. Although I didn't show it, I was a bit sad. I will never see them again. Jam Master Jay shook my hand. Psycho T gave me a high five as she was shouting with joy. Rosie glared at me, before softening to a smile and saying goodbye. The Silver Tongue told me not to talk to her. As the bus was leaving, I saw the back of a large head met with a meaty paw. I yelled out and Teletubby turned around, giving me a weak wave. Goodbye.

After my students were gone (forever), the staff had a cookout. The sergeants had brought a large grill, filled with various meats. The men on staff paid for the meat while the women brought dishes to pass. It was delicious and I think it will allow me to skip my dollar TV dinner tonight. I will say that our staff had never been bigger than it was today, eating in that cafeteria.

After some chit-chat, a two minute visit (literally) from the superintendent, and a faculty photo, I was back in my room cleaning. I didn't get much done, opting instead to play computer games and save it for tomorrow.

So my students are gone. It hasn't quite sunk in yet, but I know that when it does, it'll be an awkward feeling. I want to make sure I keep the lines of communication open with some staff members, if for no other reason than to know what becomes of some of "my kids". They might not miss me, but I will sure as hell miss them.

Tomorrow is my last day of employment for this school district. I have been asked by several people whether or not I'm coming back. They seem disappointed when I tell them that I'm not. Part of me is disappointed too. I wish the answers were all written in a book. I atleast wish that I had a teacher a bit better than me who could explain it all to me and help me figure out my next move. The one thing I do know for certain is that this experience will help me down the road. I just wish I knew how.

Welcome to the Real World

Today proved to be one of the most interesting days I’ve had at NHS, and that says a lot.

It started off easily enough. After some brief discussion, the teachers all agreed that we would continue breaking the students into three groups and showing movies all day. I didn’t have a group for the morning, so after some aimless wandering, I decided to start cleaning up my room. I took down lots of posters off of my wall that I had never noticed before.

First bombshell of the day was dropped when I spotted my golden boy, TB, down the hall. I informed him that, unfortunately, there aren’t any Taco Bells close to the school, so I was unsure how I was going to bring him his MexiMelt. He told me that he wasn’t going to be back tomorrow and was in FLC for the entire day. Always with the migraines, TB brought 12 pills to school to relieve his pain. Zero tolerance means no drugs, and even if they were only Tylenol as he claimed, he knew better than to do that. It is undecided as to whether or not they will let him out of the program and back to his home-based school now. I was really disappointed.

Second bombshell of the day was dropped when I was removing some staples from the wall. I heard the principal outside my door pulling out one of the special education teachers. I later learned that she was getting fired. Apparently, she had forged some documents for a mortgage and got caught. She lied about her income and the secretary found a copy in the fax machine. Not only was the principal’s name signed, but the head honcho at HR had his named signed as well. Note to self: If I ever forge the signatures of my boss and the person in charge of doing the hiring and firing, make sure to spell their names correctly.

After hearing that news, I went to the cafeteria for a little rehearsal. Tomorrow is the auction, and I am part of a special performance taking place immediately before. I will explain this more detail with tomorrow’s entry. I’ll just say that it involves Slowhand, the hardass sergeant, Sergeant Grinch, and me. I’m pretty excited.

Afterwards, I had the intention of going back to my room and do a bit more cleaning and organizing. Anybody that knows me knows that organization is not exactly a strongpoint of mine. Unfortunately, I was asked to watch another class for a minute. A minute turned into over an hour. I didn’t know what it was for, but I would find out later.

They had just finished watching Taken, and The Rapist went through the movies, finally settling on The Sandlot. After five minutes, he lost interest and decided that he wanted to go on a computer. I wasn’t about to let that happen. I have no idea what he is still doing in school, but he is one of the kids that I will not miss when I am 1000 miles away.

I later heard that Jam Master Jay impregnated Chocolate Crotch Crammer, but you wouldn’t have thought they were together by the way he was flirting with Princess DoNothing. I had to redirect them several times. I called Princess by her nickname, because I had no clue what her first name was. She finally told me. Apparently, she has no clue that you aren’t supposed to call your teacher by only their last name.

My most problematic student in that group was Teletubby. When I first entered the room, he was busy playing with a girl’s hair. He was talkative, which was in stark contrast to his behavior in my room yesterday. I have a tendency to always call him by his last name, and he corrected me, saying he didn’t like that. I then called him by his first name. He replied, “No. Leave me alone!” I asked him how he wanted to be addressed and he said, “Yes. Just say that. Say ‘leave me alone’ when I do something.” So that’s what I did. Every time he talked (which was a frequent occurrence), I shouted, “Leave me alone!” Teletubby quickly grew tired of that, and told me I should refer to him as “Kiss…” He paused and then changed his mind, admitting he would get in trouble if he finished the statement.

He got in trouble anyways.

Unable to stop talking, I moved him to the front of the room. He decided to put his head on the teacher’s desk. He continued to talk, and for a minute I thought he had a phone under his ear. He didn’t. When I asked what he was doing, he said, “I was having a conversation with myself. Why?” Thankfully, the horn sounded for lunch before I had to answer his ridiculous question.

The teacher came back to her room a minute later. She looked flustered. When I asked what “it” was all about, she responded, “Long story.”

I found out what that long story was soon enough. That teacher, who was the teacher that became my mentor and showed me the ropes at NHS, was involved with the forgery. She was the one that signed the names. Incorrectly. With nothing to gain, she lost everything. Job. Reputation. Gone.

I had that sinking feeling in my stomach for the rest of the day. I had a big group (Psycho T, Lady Cheaterly, Big White Kid, Tony Montana aka Habanero, Dogface, Dumbo, Strahan, The Barber, Dee, The Rapist’s girlfriend, etc.) in the afternoon. All told, I believe I had 18 students in my room. It took me a long time to quiet them down enough to get a movie in the DVD player. Once again, they wanted to watch Taken. It was fine by me, even though the movie was definitely better the first time. Besides asking Tony Montana (Habanero) to spit out his gum and forcing The Rapist’s girlfriend to move away from Cheaterly, the class was quiet during the movie. There were little barbs between Psycho T and The Barber, Dogface, Strahan, and Dumbo, but nothing that couldn’t be stopped with a firm word or two.

It wasn’t until after the movie ended that the problems arose. The kids board the buses around 2:30. The movie ended at 1:20. I told the kids to give me 35 minutes of silence while I popped in another movie and I would take them outside around 1:55. Honestly, I would have taken them out earlier, but I figured that may be frowned upon because Personal Exercise normally doesn’t begin until 2:00.

The Silver Tongue, also in my room, was in rare form today. She will always hold a special place in my heart for telling me daily not to talk to her because she doesn’t like me. Today, she seemed to be in a good mood, announcing to me that it was her birthday. After a birthday wish, she told me thanks.

Her mood quickly soured when she learned that she wouldn’t be boarding the bus anytime soon. Apparently, she misread the time by an hour. Less than two seconds later, she decided that she was sick and needed to go to the office to call home. When I wouldn’t let her, she remained turned towards me for the majority of her time in my room. Our conversation didn’t sway far from what became a very beaten path.

ST: Mr. C-------…

MC: No.

ST: You didn’t even let me ask my question.

MC: Go ahead.

ST: Can I PLEASE go call home?

MC: No. But thank you for asking so nicely.



I put in Pride, a movie about an African American swim team. They weren’t interested at all. Instead, the voices begin rising up and I slowly lost my grip on the class. Between the bickering back and forth and kids asking to go see the other teacher because she seemed upset (just what a distraught person wants is to be consoled by a NHS student), I couldn’t handle it anymore.

Losing my cool, I let my voice rise as well. I told the class to be quiet, to shut their mouths, then finally to “shut up”. Can’t get away with that at a normal school, but I didn’t care. A minute later, when I heard Strahan repeating “Yes, I can” for the fifth time, I told him to get out. He stared me down for a decent amount of time before exiting the room. When I was out in the hallway, I heard the class let out a scream. A moment later, I heard a second scream. Truth be told, I could have kicked out just about any one of them. I settled on Tony Montana, who I heard whistling. He insisted that he did nothing. I didn’t care to hear what he had to say, I got in his face and told him to move. It was as angry as my voice has sounded since I started teaching. In the hallway, I noticed he still had gum in his mouth, and I violently pointed my finger at the garbage can and told him to “SPIT IT OUT NOW!” He was walking down the hallway, unable to look me in the eye. I was fixated on him. He looked at me quickly, demanding, “What the fuck’s your problem?” If I had been free of consequence, I would have gladly broken his jaw right then and there. I followed him to the cafeteria to make sure that the sergeants worked his fat ass off. I was pleased to see Strahan doing pushups. I am pretty sure that the sergeants will not allow them to return tomorrow.

Upon returning to my room, which was inhabited by the fired teacher, I was told that the students had screamed again. I am not the most observant of what they are doing, and I guess it was a “1, 2, 3, SCREAM” thing. What was the most disappointing is that Psycho T and Lady Cheaterly are so close to getting out of the school and I know that those two were screamers. As happy as I will be to see them get to go back to their home-based school, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if they ended up back at NHS next year.

After my uncle came in and threatened to hold all of the students at NHS next semester, the volume decreased significantly. Two o’clock rolled around and there were questions as to whether or not they could go outside. After candy requests, I just chuckled and remained in my seat. They didn’t do me any favors, and I didn’t plan on giving them what they wanted either.

It makes me wonder if I taught these kids a single thing. They aren’t even able to sit quietly and watch a movie for half an hour. I have tried to give the kids on the verge of getting out the benefit of the doubt countless times, but they show such little respect for me that they’ll scream in my face just to see how much of their shit I can stomach. Today, my patience was completely worn out.

After the debriefing, I heard members of the staff talk about some of the former NHS teachers. The list includes a teacher that asked a student to get her drugs from her car, a teacher that threatened to shoot the principal, and a sergeant that had a relationship with a 13-year old NHS student. The faculty has been laced with drug addicts, alcoholics, and people with diminished morals. I hate to say it, but that might cheapen all of these wonderful compliments I’ve received since being here.

I finished my day alone in my room, concluding the movie, Pride, which I had started with my unruly students. Based on a true story, the group of all-black underdog swimmers ended up winning their big meet at the end.

Then it hit me. My story won’t have the happy ending that I was seeking the entire journey. I didn’t get all of my students to pass. I didn’t shake them to their very foundation and get them to drastically alter their ways. I have half a day left with students, and then many of them will forget I ever existed. Nobody is going to make a movie on my life.

Today was a hard day. Out of all the people here, the teacher that I was closest to got fired and genuinely disappointed me. I have shared meals, drinks, even Mardi Gras with her and her family. You let somebody in and get close to them, and then you give them to power to hurt you.

I have a problem: I demand so much of myself and always believe the best of people that I am easily disappointed. I take things hard. Always have and probably always will. It’s something I’m working on, but it’s just the way I’m wired. Forgiveness isn’t a strength of mine, and this was not at all the way I had hoped to finish out this episode. I expected to learn a lot from all of this, but today’s lesson was one I wasn’t prepared to realize. Not now.

I keep looking for a little bit of purity in this cold, corrupted world. The harder I look, it seems like the darker my surroundings become. I can understand how people become cynical. I understand how somebody loses faith.

Since I began this blog, I have attempted to end every entry with a bit of hope. Every day, be it good or bad, I have always found a reason to smile, to look forward to my next adventure. Admittedly, it was much harder with this entry.

I had to take a step back. I had to do something I can do anywhere in Louisiana, anywhere in Wisconsin, anywhere in the world. Instead of looking out and taking in what I’ve seen, I looked in and brought out what I’ve done.

I can’t change what other people do. As much as I yell and scream at my kids, I can’t force them to do anything. I can’t heal the divisions that exist within our staff and I can’t stop people from disappointing and hurting me. Unfortunately, it’s an inevitable part of life.

As I tell my students all the time, “I am responsible for my own actions.” That’s the only thing I can truly control. I’m far from a perfect person, but I know what my intentions are and I know where my heart resides. That’s one thing that doesn’t need fixing.

Every night before bed, I have a routine, consisting of brushing my teeth and removing my contacts. This usually forces me to look at myself in the mirror. And every night, I see that same ugly mug staring back at me: That same double chin, same chubby red cheeks, same yellow teeth, same upturned nose peppered with blackheads, same bloodshot eyes, and that same big forehead topped with that same disheveled hair. And somehow I am able to see that guy looking back at me and say, “He’s alright.”

My dad always told me that people had to be able to sleep at night with whatever they’ve done. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but I’ve always known right from wrong and been able to live with what whatever errors I’ve committed.

This experience turned out to not be everything I had hoped for. As they say, “Welcome to the real world.” People make mistakes and let others, and more importantly, themselves down. I wasn’t a savior. I didn’t get my fairytale ending. Maybe, like most things in life, it ended up somewhere between a triumph and a tragedy.

So maybe this isn’t destined to be made into some uplifting Hollywood movie. Maybe this will never be the world’s story.

Maybe I’ll have to settle for it being my story.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s alright.

The Little Daddy with only a little bit of time left

In our morning meeting, I received a bit more information about the LEAP results. Three (TB, Miss Piggy, and somebody else) out of 28 8th graders passed for a whopping 6% total. Five (Big White Kid, The Great Black Hope, Rosie, The Rapist, and Step Six) out of 16 (31%) passed the 10th grade GEE test required for graduation. Not what I had hoped for, but atleast I got a few. I still haven't seen the scores. Just another thing on my to-do list for before I leave.

I was put in a good mood before my students had even reached my door. When I heard the security lady yell that students were coming, I looked down the far end of the hall and saw a tall, thin body enter the doorway. First student in: Skinny Kid (formerly in Camo).

It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies of all time (The Shawshank Redemption): Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'.

Goddamn right.

I had my homeroom in my class all morning. Movie time once again. Today we watched Radio. Not my first choice, but not a bad flick by any means. At one point, I looked out at my class and saw 7 out of 9 were sleeping.

I was pleasantly surprised when Power Off came in to hand me his time card. I am not sure if I explained this before, but each student has a time card stamped at the beginning of the day and must take it to their homeroom teacher. Because we changed first period classes, some students must go to their old homeroom teachers first thing, hand them their time cards, then go to a different class. Power Off is one of those students. Anyways, I told him that in order to earn a C for the semester, he needed to complete the entire work packet that he had allegedly completed once before. His response, "Well, let's just do it right now then."

So that's what we did. He pulled up a chair and for a solid hour, he worked through the ten or so worksheets I had stapled together. Did he know what he was doing? Probably not. But with my minimal instruction and frequent corrections, he was able to go through all of the work. It ended up raising his grade 11 percent points. Like I told my kids frequently, I wanted the class to be as easy as possible. Pretty sad that a decent percentage of them still failed.

The movie ended with about 45 minutes left to go before lunch, so I let my students go on the computers.

I decided that it was the right time to pass out some candy. Actually, I had decided about five minutes earlier that it was the right time, but as I grabbed my package of Twix bars, The Rapist's girlfriend pleaded, "Mr. C-------, you should give me some candy." Somehow, she had failed to see that was exactly what I was attempting to do. Suddenly, I didn't feel like sharing quite so much. When I finally did, I had one of nine students say thank you. It has always been a pet peeve of mine, so I went back to the cabinet and grabbed a second piece for Psycho T. She said "Thank you," once again.

It is funny how some of the students who I genuinely disliked at the beginning of my time here have turned in to some of my favorites. I remember my first run in with Psycho T, thinking she was a bit bitchy and pushy. I was right. However, I've seen the softer side, too, and I know that she will be one of my students that I'll remember for years to come.


My final grades are in, and besides organizing my room, I have no work to do, so I plopped down next to them and played some games. Tony Montana (nicnamed "Habanero" by his classmates) gave me some pointers as I struggled through some soccer game. Not much later, the kids were off to lunch.

Lunch might have been the highlight of my day today. I stopped by the gas station and bought a roast beef po-boy. It sounds unspectacular, but I have never had roast beef like that in Wisconsin. Good Lord! Sauce spilling everywhere, but every bite was, dare I say, orgasmic. I can still taste it now.

I was expecting to have the afternoon off, but I ended up have some students in my class to watch a movie again. No big deal. I didn't want to have the same students from this morning, because I was running out of movies to show them. I switched with the social studies teacher, and it ended up being more trouble than it should have been. Suit Man came up to me and started complaining about how I got him suspended. He said he had a medical condition and the heat caused the issue. I told him that he got himself suspended with the way he acted. He then told me he was taking me to court. He was standing in front of me and I was trying to acquire order in my classroom, so I told him to sit down and shut his mouth.

"What'd you say?"

"Sit down and shut your mouth."

He was whining again. It felt like I was starting to lose my dear old Suit Man. A minute later, I lost him. Only for a little while, though. The sergeant from across the hall walked into my classroom and gave him the boot. Let's just say that after he returned, he was too sweaty to be wearing a suit jacket for a while.

The class watched the movie, Taken, and I must say, they resembled normal students. Teletubby, Jam Master Jay, and others were mute for the 90 minute running time. The movie, which is pretty mindless, yet action-packed and entertaining, held their attention. There isn't much more that I could ask for.

I had one issue with the movie: It is only 90 minutes long. This meant I had an extra 75-80 minutes before the end of the day. Some students grew restless, so I gave them the option of going on the computers or watching the beginning of Meet the Parents. The majority went on the computers, but a few were watching the movie.

The computers became a problem. I kicked one student out after he went on an inappropriate website and wouldn't stop talking. He got a good workout in.

One of my new students, who shares a first name with arguably the most famous modern-day NBA center, caused me most of my problems. I'll call him Diesel (if you follow professional basketball, you should be able to figure out his name). He promised not to go on a violent game, then, while I was standing directly behind him, went on a game called "Blood Shot" and shot somebody in the face, causing their head to explode. He was stunned when I asked him to get off the computer and return to his desk. After I redirected him several times and threatened to kick him out, he made an awkward statement that appeared to be some sort of a threat. Not exactly sure what he said, I responded, "Wait a minute. You said that if I come to your hood, you'll bang me!?" The class erupted as he tried to retrace his words. I had none of that and convinced the other students that is exactly what he said. He didn't seem too pleased with me.

I was happy to get the Suit Man back that instantly became one of my favorites. Princess Donothing addressed me as "Little Daddy" as she asked me some pointless question. When I asked her in disbelief whether she addressed me in the manner I heard, Suit Man replied, "That's because she knows you're little." For those of you out of touch with adolescent machismo, he was referring to how I stacked up below the belt. A couple of months ago: an insult. Today, I knew he was just playing around, so I went over by him and threw some imaginary punches. "Now, Mr. C-------, you realize that that is assault..." he told me.

I took my students outside for the last thirty minutes before the buses came. You would think that an instruction as simple as "line up outside my door" would be a pretty easy task. Not for them. Half were walking down the hall, then when I yelled at them, they started walking out the other door. Finally, I got my group lined up and walking down the hall. After a brief stop at one door for my beloved Teletubby to chat with who knows, we were outside.

I learned three things while outside:

1) Splitting up Teletubby and his boytoy Slim will be devastating for all involved. I love watching them walk off together and chatting like a couple of school girls.

2) Some of these kids honestly like me.

3) I really like some of them. What the hell?

I split my time between shooting the bull with my students and my fellow teachers. It is nice to finally feel like I belong. I have proven myself as an educator to the other teachers as well as somebody that cares and can somewhat relate to my students. Suit Man even told my uncle that we (myself and Suit Man) were like father and son. I convinced him to come to school on Thursday to see the big surprise (more on this later).

The buses loaded and school ended. Tomorrow will be my last "real" day with my students. I need to buy some candy bars to reward those select few that passed their test.

I can't believe how fast this experience has gone. I can't believe that these people who were complete strangers from a different planet a few short months ago have left lasting impressions on me that will forever alter the way I look at the world. And I can't believe I will be saying goodbye in a few days.

With time running out, I know I have to make the most of my final moments. Two for one daiquiris today. You know what? Screw it. I ordered two 32 ouncers for myself. It's not like I'll have the chance to do it again anytime soon.

Morning Movies and Afternoon Heart-to-Hearts

I had a pretty easy morning. Numbers were down slightly, so only three of the five teachers had kids before lunch. All of the 8th graders were together, as were all of the 9th graders. I kept my normal homeroom consisting of all of the 10th and 11th graders. Having the kids for three hours, I decided it was movie time. I didn’t bring a whole lot of movies with me from Wisconsin, and most of those that I did are rated R. It meant slim pickings. I ended up buying a couple of new movies last night and the vote came down between those two: The Sandlot and Taken. After two separate votes, The Sandlot won, so I popped it into the DVD player.

Once again, my first TV was a dud, so I needed another one wheeled in. After the movie began playing, kids started complaining, asking that we watch Taken instead. I refused. One tall white kid, in particular, was really whining. He asked every five minutes if we could change the movie. The funny thing is I am relatively sure that he voted for The Sandlot in the first place.

As always with watching movies in class, I simply kicked my feet up and felt pretty damn good that I was getting paid to do nothing.

The movie ended about 25 minutes before lunch, and unfortunately, the entire network was down so I couldn’t let my students on the computers. I let them talk “quietly”. As I should have expected, a problem ensued.

The Boy with the Tattooed Hands had just been redirected for dropping a pointless f-bomb when I noticed he was throwing something at Lady Cheaterly. When another student showed me what it was, I noticed it looked very similar to what must have been peeled from the top of the desk that he was sitting in. When I asked him about it, he grew very defensive and told me to get away from him. I handed him a check and he started writing, simultaneously waving his hand at me to back off. I told him to write it for ten. He responded by saying, “I don’t care, nigger. I’ll write it for 20. Write me up. I’ll be back here next year anyways.” I followed his command and wrote him up. I’d like to believe that’ll be the end of The Boy with the Tattooed Hands for this year, but I don’t doubt that his mother will shadow him tomorrow.

I made Dee make up the quiz that she got a 1/10 on. I basically led her to every solution, but I think those extra points will be enough. Dee will get her D.

I didn’t have a class in my room after lunch. I let the science teacher borrow Taken so my homeroom could have their way and see the movie. I spent a decent amount of time filling out an inventory form for my classroom. After that, I wandered aimlessly.

I saw that Iron Mike, fresh out of the slammer, tried to start a fight with Rosie. I am not sure what will happen with the two of those. My prediction would be that Iron Mike will be gone for the week. I am a bit worried about Rosie because she is right on the cusp of transitioning back to her home-based school. I really hope she didn’t blow it.

I let the reading teacher take the TV from my room. After I rolled it down to her room, one of her students from my second period wanted to ask me a question. After he got his hands out of his pants (don’t even ask), she let him come out in the hallway and ask me.

This boy’s aunt comes in every week for a progress report. He never does anything unless asked repeatedly. He currently has a D in my class and needs to improve his math and PE grades if he wants to get out of NHS. I gave him the extra credit packet last week. He told me that he had given it to The Big White Kid to give to me. The Big White Kid swore that he set it on my desk. I couldn’t find it anywhere, and somehow this boy (I’ll call him “Power Off” because he typically is powered off) claimed that it was my fault. I asked him repeatedly why he wouldn’t ensure that I got it by handing it to me himself. He told me that he didn’t have time.

Anyways, here I am with an hour left in the day and I offered to help him with the packet. Power Off looked at the packet, smiling, and finally decided that it was too thick. This was ten minutes after I first asked him what he wanted to do. He decided that he would attempt to raise his PE grade up to a D instead by running for 20 minutes nonstop for three consecutive days. It may not appear to be that challenging for most, but there are some really lazy kids at this school.

I decided to tell my uncle just to hear what he had to say about it. He chuckled and decided to go into the classroom and pull Power Off. He forced the boy to work on his math, adding that he was lucky I wasn’t a girl, because “normally if you get rejected once, that’s it. You’re done. You don’t get a second chance.” Unfortunately, I am not that well well-versed on the book of love and have yet to grasp that lesson. Power Off came with me and I started him on the packet for the second time. Supposedly.

I guess this is the time that I should say that the school was faxed the LEAP scores today. I have yet to see them myself, but I was told who passed and who failed. There are five different categories: Unsatisfactory, Approaching Basic, Basic, Advanced, and Mastery. In order to pass, a student must score atleast basic on either the math or English section while scoring atleast approaching basic on the other section.

Only three 8th graders in the entire school passed and two of them I don’t even teach. One of them is a homebound student and the other is Miss Piggy, who no longer even comes to my class. If there is any one student in the whole school that I would’ve enjoyed seeing fail, it would have been Miss Piggy.

My lone success story in the 8th grade was TB, who I am pretty happy about. I have to go to Taco Bell and buy him his MexiMelt.

Unfortunately, the one student that I wanted to pass the most (Skinny Kid) did not.

He walked into my classroom while I was sitting next to Power Off, helping him with his math. Skinny Kid was smiling, but it wasn’t a happy smile. I could tell that he was forcing a smile to hide something else. The corners of his mouth fell slightly as he lifted up a packet of paper and said, “After all that work and this is what I get.” He lowered himself into a desk behind me and threw his head back, covering his face with his hands.

It was an awkward situation because it was obvious he needed to vent and Power Off isn’t the most empathetic soul in the world. He was laughing while Skinny Kid was talking.

After a while, Power Off was told to go outside and run. I was grateful I didn’t have to put up with his mumbling and stupid comments.

I learned a lot about Skinny Kid in the 30 minutes he was in his room, opening up and letting it out. It wasn’t easy to listen to, but I knew he needed an avenue to get out his frustration. It was his third time taking and failing the LEAP test. He was really worried that people would be disappointed and angry with him. He told me he needed to talk to the science teacher, then changed his mind and asked me if I would. He said that he wouldn’t be able to look her in the eye and tell her that he failed.

He seemed to be in shock, stating several times how he felt like he got all of the math questions correct. "There's a mistake. That ain't my paper, brah. That can't be my paper."

I tried to reassure him that nobody was angry with him and we knew he did the best that he could. I was a bit surprised that he didn’t atleast score an approaching basic in math to match his English score. However, I do know he has worked as hard, if not harder, than anybody else in that school. I even admitted to him that out of all of the students that I teach, I wanted him to pass the most.

He then got even more morose in his statements, saying that he didn't have anything left. He said he gave everything he had and this was what he got in return. He then told me that it felt like his life was over, God didn’t care about him, and he should just hang himself. I took that last statement with a grain of salt, but it still scared me and I made sure to report it after my conversation with him was over.

Admittedly, it is often hard for me to relate to these kids. I haven’t had the easiest life, but it pales in comparison to some of the things that they have faced. I hate seeing people in that state and could tell that Skinny Kid (formerly in Camo) was on the verge of tears.

I tried telling him how Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team and later became the greatest basketball player ever to lace up a pair of sneakers. I told him how Barack Obama had a difficult upbringing and his father was a bum who abandoned him. I’m not sure if that registered or not. “Did Barack Obama ever fail his LEAP test?” Skinny Kid asked.

Then I tried telling him a bit about myself. I knew he was a baseball player, so I tried to relate to him on that front. I told him about how I played football in high school and got hurt during my senior season. I could never play again. “What did I do?” I asked.

He paused, “Give up?”

I responded, “No. I found something else. I wasn’t going to let the fact that I could no longer play football define my entire life. Just like you aren’t going to let the fact that you failed your LEAP test define your entire life. One thing that you learn about life as you get older is that it isn’t fair. Was it fair that I couldn’t play football anymore? No. I worked my ass off to play, just like you worked your ass off to pass your test. And you know what? I got hurt. You had a bad day. You gave the best you could on that day and it didn’t go your way. Now, you either let that beat you and give up or you keep on fighting.”

I asked him what happened the last year when he failed, whether he quit or not. He said that he didn’t. I told him that a person learns a lot more about themselves when they lose than they do when they win. I said that in ten years, nobody would care that he failed his LEAP test. I told him that I didn’t know he had failed last year and didn’t care or look at him any differently.

I tried making him look at the big picture. He will be getting out of NHS. He has the opportunity to take a retest at the end of June. If he passes that, he can go on to the 9th grade in the fall.

I then asked him, “If you strike out one time, the next time you are up to bat, do you let that consume you? Do you let that defeat you or do you keep swinging?”

“Keep swinging.”

Keep swinging. I came in here with my main goal being getting that number to increase. I wanted more students to pass their LEAP test this year than last year. I thought that would somehow validate me as a teacher. I am pretty sure the scores this year are lower than last year. I did have a bit more success with the 10th grade GEE. I had a couple pass as expected (The Big White Kid, The Great Black Hope) as well as a few surprises (The Rapist and Step Six!!!).

Just like I told Skinny Kid, that number by his name doesn’t define him as a person. It doesn’t tell the entire story, doesn’t illustrate the strides he’s made as a student and a person. I know that three months ago, if somebody had swung at him, there is no way he would be able to restrain himself from fighting back.

That test score number by my class doesn’t define me as a teacher, either. It doesn’t even begin to tell the story. I came in here with unrealistic expectations about what I would be able to get my students to do. The fact that, after realizing he failed his test, Skinny Kid sought me out for support tells more than any number ever could. That's my greatest triumph as a teacher.

I could tell we had both successfully fought back tears and the conversation became a bit more hopeful. I knew the day was about to end. Most likely one of the last times I will ever see this young man who has honestly had a pretty profound impact on my life. One of the last moments I will ever spend alone with him. He looked me in the eye. That face of defeat was gone. Looking hungrier and more hopeful than ever, he said, “I am going to take that LEAP retest this summer and I’m going to pass. Bleeeedat (believe that)!”

I do.

Spring Cleaning

This weekend was supposed to be relaxing: an opportunity to get my grades in order, to start packing my belongings, and to sit around and take in the Louisiana weather a final time before heading back north. Unfortunately, like many things in life, it didn't go quite as planned.

Maybe it was that raccoon that I ate. Maybe it was the catfish po boy. Maybe it was the margarita, beers, and tortilla chips and salsa from La Careta's. Or maybe it was the beer I drank at the Crescent (which included a conversation with a former Northwood employee who called the reading teacher "the most evil bitch she had ever met". She wasn't a fan of the principal either). Whatever it was, starting about 3 AM Saturday morning through today, I have spent a large portion of my time in the commode. I don't have an exact count, but I'll just say that the vast majority of my students couldn't count nearly that high. Not the kind of "Spring Cleaning" that I had imagined doing. I spent most of my Saturday lying in bed or sitting on the throne. Watched The Wrestler and Good Will Hunting before turning in early.

Today was supposed to be my day to catch up on my grades and do laundry. Instead, the science teacher asked us to "move her washer and dryer". I figured it would be a quick job, which would be done in an hour or less. Apparently, moving meant refitting all of the pipes and bringing in the new models and connecting them. We started at 11:15 and were there until 6:15. It wasn't hard work, just not at all how I wanted to spend my Sunday. It is now 7:30 and I just threw my laundry into the washer and will start finalizing my grades now.

I expect this week to be less work than the washer and dryer were today. Tomorrow will be important for one reason and one reason only: LEAP scores come back. After seeing the EOC scores, I am realistic as to how my students will do. It probably won't be pretty, and I don't expect miracles. I really have high hopes for two students (TB and Skinny Kid) and I think that if they passed their tests, I will feel really good.

Last week at NHS. Everybody loves going out on top.

Last Friday w/ kids...

I have begun to notice that every day is a little bit harder to get out of bed. I was asleep before 10 o’clock, but when 5:50 AM rolled around, I didn’t feel much like moving. However, as Woody Allen said, “Half of life is just showing up” and show up I did.

Of course, there was cause to celebrate. Today was the last Friday with students. Next week, the kids have a half day on Thursday and only the staff needs to be there on Friday.

I was sad to learn that Ho Man didn’t make the trip to school today. Apparently, one day with me was all that he could handle. It was a mutual breakup.

First period went well. I didn’t have Jam Master Jay or The Rapist. I guess they were told that they didn’t have to go into my room anymore. I guess everybody wins in that situation. I like Jam Master Jay, but he has been overbearing lately. I think The Rapist is scum.

I am looking back and trying to think of interesting things that happened during first period. There wasn’t much. I believe today was the first day that I have ever irritated The Big White Kid before. He didn’t do his bell ringer, which was a bit shocking. I joked with him that that was probably the same problem he had on the football field: quitting in the fourth quarter. He has heard enough about me to know that I played and was pretty good. I learned for the first time that his high school went 0-8 last year. It gave me an idea for a new nickname: Ofer. He didn’t like that very much and was quick to defend himself, saying that he didn’t play last year because his grades weren’t good enough. I told him that Nofer was even worse than Ofer. He disagreed.

It is interesting that not one on the kids at this school take responsibility for their actions. Two examples from two of my best students:

1) The Great Black Hope tells me that it isn’t her fault that she is at the school (see past entry).

2) The Big White Kid blames the coaches for the 0-8 season. I was blessed with some pretty good coaches, but I know I would never blame my coaches for my failures. They aren’t the ones in pads on the field. He doesn’t seem to understand that.

We ended the conversation by him calling me a has-been. I told him, “Better a has-been than a never-was.”

I would love to strap on the pads one more time. I’d kick the piss out of him. Guaranteed.

Second period: Again, pretty uneventful. Prudence got in trouble yesterday and was in FLC all day. I later asked what landed her in trouble, and she replied, “Well, this boy said something about sucking his ‘d’, so I said lick my ‘p’.” Classy. She stopped by early to ask about her report. I told her that if she didn’t have computer access (which she didn’t), she could handwrite it. It was a bit better than I expected. Here is an excerpt:

“Nurse is related to math by measure medicines. Nurse go to college to study anatomy, chemistry, nutrition, psychology and nursing the org. Nurses should pass a test to get a nursing License. They have to take classes by being caring and kind. They have to take classes every few years to keep their skills current and they need to recognize problems and remembering details…”

The highlight of my second period was my uncle coming into my classroom with a surprise. We had been promised a new food to try for some time now, and the big guy in charge of FLC finally came through. While the students were busy with their bellringers, I got to snack on some raccoon. It was better than I expected, tasting an awful lot like beef. Maybe not something I would order at a restaurant, but atleast I can say that I tried it and can cross it off the list. I am still hoping for some possum before I depart.

I am happy to report that Iron Mike is back at NHS after a brief stay at the juvenile detention center. I told her that I missed her. She responded, “I didn’t miss you at all.” I later saw Worm with Braids, who was with her in the slammer. He wasn’t in my class today. Maybe Monday.

It is always interesting to learn how students ended up at NHS. I have had a new student the past couple of days (donned “Princess DoNothing” by my uncle) that was a straight A student, ROTC program, honors society, and was junior high homecoming queen that got sent to NHS for having four referrals. Four. From what I have heard, the first three were a bit ridiculous and she swore at a teacher for the fourth. It’s unfortunate because I don’t really believe that a semester at NHS is going to make her a better student or a better person. She hasn’t done much of anything in my class in her first two days besides talk. I am worried that she will be dragged down by her surroundings.

Third period was pretty tame, except for before the class started. Dumbo and Strahan are assigned to FLC during my class. They both came in asking for work, which I gave them. Strahan was singing, “Pussy, pussy, pussy. Pussy, pussy, pussy,” out in the hallway. I don’t like him, and it didn’t break my heart to hand him a check, which he instantly complained about. I told him to write it for ten, and then walking away, I said under my breath, “You wouldn’t get in trouble so much if you stopped acting like a punk.” I made sure it was loud enough for him to hear. Probably not something that I should have done, but I don’t want to see him anymore. He started complaining, and my uncle happened to be close by and went over the appropriate method to disagree.

I wasn’t able to get much out of the small group of boys that I had in class today. For a long time, they were huddled around my desk, asking me questions. I guess that you could say class has gotten more informal over the past week or so. Things are certainly winding down. Man Man told me that I probably had never met an eighth grader at a college level before. I chuckled, telling him he was nowhere near a college level. A minute later, he said, “What I meant to say was you’ve never met a young black guy like me before.” I thought it was interesting that he assumed I would view black people as slower than white people. I just shook my head and asked what color had to do with it.

Fourth period: After telling Teletubby yesterday that he looked like a Valentine’s Day Teddy Bear (he told me he was born on Valentine’s Day), I told him today that he looked like a big roasted marshmallow. He has started this annoying habit of saying “yup” and “nope” all the time with really sharp p’s. I told him to stop it with the p’s, and then he decided because I said “p”, he needed to go to the bathroom. It was a period-long struggle.

Teletubby got pretty upset with me later in the period when I was trying to take a short video of him on my cell phone. He was on the computer chatting away and I decided it was the perfect opportunity to take a souvenir. He told me that he could file charges against me. Luckily, he forgot about it a few minutes later.

I struggled a bit with keeping my students on appropriate websites during that period. I ended up kicking two students off of the computers. They were forced to sit in their desks like shmucks. I also gave Teletubby a check for making a pen tattoo on a girl’s arm after I had asked him not to.

Fifth period was pretty nondescript. TB, who had offered to spend the entire day in my class, was absent, as were Ho Man, Big Kid in Camo, Linda Blair, and Jamaican Mon. The kids that were there spent most of their time on the computers.

Before homeroom, I saw The Rapist lunging after Chocolate Crotch Crammer in the hallway, grabbing her around the neck. I told him to keep walking for the back door to go outside for some running. He started walking towards me, trying to pass to the other side of the hall. I wouldn’t let him, standing directly in front of him. He warned me several times, “You better not touch me.” Truth be told, I would love for him to take one swing at me, because he would be up against the wall in under a second. I didn’t touch him, and the security lady started barking orders at him before asked me how long I wanted him to run. I said, “Until he can’t run anymore.” She chuckled and I settled on fifteen laps. I’m not sure if he ended up running or not. I hope that he didn’t and was sent home for the rest of the year.

I was pretty pleased with Psycho T. She stepped up to the plate, completing both her work packet and her career report. She really does want to get out of NHS and go back to her old school. I think they will let her go.

On the other hand, Dee was a bit disappointing. She did her work packet, but I also gave her the chance to retake a quiz that she got a 1/10 on. Her mother was supposed to drop off her report and that never happened. At the end of the day, she told me she was going to get her candy for a bonus buck and then would return to my class to retake that quiz. Never happened. I know that Dee will not have accumulated enough points to earn a D. That could be the one thing that holds her back. It looks like I might have a bit of a moral dilemma on my hands.

I stopped by the nearby gas station after work for a catfish po-boy. Looks can be deceiving, because that place looks like an abandoned building, but I have yet to find a place with better seafood. Delicious.

I haven’t had much work to do as of late. For all intents and purposes, I will be done once I finalize my grades this weekend. Having a little time to kill before my uncle was finished with his work, I went outside. It was a beautiful 82 degree day, so I popped my trunk, grabbed my guitar, and sat and my car and quietly strummed. My guitar is one of my favorite possessions in this world. There are a few different reasons for that:

1) Music connects people. My students often ask me what kind of music I listen to.

2) I can tie songs to people and places. I already have some songs that remind me of Louisiana.

3) Music is a powerful form of expression. I can get out a lot of emotion by banging on a guitar for twenty minutes.

4) I bought my guitar. For the longest time, I have wanted to have a life that feels like my own. Where I made my own decisions and was responsible for my own livelihood. Where I paid my own way, did my own laundry, ate my own food, and made my own mistakes. My guitar was one of the first big purchases I had ever made. I love it that much more because it was the money I earned working during the summers that bought it.

Anyways, I sitting on the back of my car, playing some song that I wrote about a friend, beads of sweat dripping down my forehead. I had a weird feeling coming over me as I looked and saw the sun peering out over the trees.

One week before I leave to go back to Wisconsin. And maybe it was just for a second. And maybe it will pass and be forgotten.

But suddenly, it started feeling a bit like home.