A Day with Ho Man

Waiting for the students to start lining up at my door at the beginning of the day, I overheard laughter coming from the English and science teachers down the hall. “You’re buddy’s here,” they exclaimed. I saw a big, dopey kid loafing down the hall: Ho Man. The English teacher kept her word, and it was decided that he would be spending the entire day in my class. I couldn’t stop laughing, but inside, I was wondering how long it would be before I was regretting his presence.

The science teacher told me I could give her a couple of students from my homeroom class. I decided to get Dinosaur out of there. She hadn’t been in class in quite a while, and she always tries to pick a fight with me. A few minutes later, Jam Master Jay hobbled in on crutches. Apparently, he hurt his ankle during PE yesterday. I waited until he was about ready to sit down to tell him that he was going to be in a different class for first period. Later in the day, one of the custodians told me that he got what he deserved with the crutches after the way he talked to me. It made me think of an old Irish proverb:

May those who love us, love us
And may those who don’t love us, may God turn their hearts
And if He can’t turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles
So we will know them by their limping

Ho Man was silent for most of the beginning of first period. I gave the students plenty of time with the bell ringer and hadn’t planned a whole lot of work for them. This past week, I haven’t introduced much of anything besides allowing them time to finish up their worksheet, make-up work, and extra credit. After the bell ringer was finished, I spent a bit of time working with Tony Montana. Ho Man began his complaining.

It would have been a good time for him to do his worksheet (from Monday, I believe) which he missed, of course. That tends to happen when a person comes to school once a week.

He admitted that math’s his favorite class, but not so early in the morning. He wanted to go back to his first period class (English), but I told him that I had received instructions to have him in my class all day. He said, “Man, sometimes you act like a little girl, brah.” He also told me to get out of his face several times, even when I was sitting behind my desk.

Luckily, Ho Man improved his attitude by the end of first period. I gave the students computer time, and even though he was watching music videos, I didn’t feel like putting up a fight. I just listened to make sure I didn’t hear any curse words. Boyz II Men is usually pretty safe. At the end of class, he even seemed excited about spending the rest of his day in math class because it would all him to “see all the hoes”.

Second period went pretty well. For a while, I thought that Prudence and Rosie were going to go at it once again. I heard Rosie calling to Prudence, “Well, atleast I know who my momma is!” I don’t know the story, so I didn’t comment, other than telling the two of them to cut it out.

I helped Prudence with her career report a little bit. It is very clear to me that she couldn’t write a legitimate paper to save her life. I asked the students to write one page on a career that uses mathematics. I said no “copy and pasting”, and then I gave them a list of a bunch of things that they could write about. She is taking notes on computer printer paper and then tells me she will type it later. I saw her begin to type a little bit today. First of all, she copies directly from her notes, which were directly copied from the computer. She has no organizational skills at all, and she doesn’t know how to write in complete sentences. She doesn’t even know that she is supposed to capitalize the first word of a sentence. I can’t wait to read her report. For some reason, I think she might fall well short of her goal of becoming a nurse.

I received a break from my second period class when I was called down to the office to pick up the supplies that I ordered for next year, when I will be someplace else (who knows where). Shawshank and one other boy were to help me transport the materials back to my room. Ho Man was already in the hallway. The sergeant across the hall, who was sitting in my room because he didn’t have anybody in Personal Development Training (PDT – initiation for new students), saw Ho Man as he was outside the door, waving at people in the room. When he re-entered the room, he looked at me and waved. The sergeant volunteered him for a bit of work.

When we were in the office, I saw my rather large haul of fun, exciting math aids. Ho Man was busy bragging about how strong he is. After flexing, he asked, “You wanna touch it, don’t ya?” A minute later, I flexed my muscle back, and he said, “You might be pretty strong, because I know you never get any.”

When we returned and he was on the computer, I made a remark about how I was a better singer than Ho Man. I also told him that I was a better football player. He looked at me with a dopey smile and lazy eye and said, “I know something I better than you at.” I knew the answer, but asked anyways. He clenched his fists, thrust his elbows towards his abdomen and rocked his hips back and forth in his desk. “Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” he exclaimed.

Ho Man: Two periods down. Copied the bell ringer. Moved a few boxes. Talked about cat.

I let my third period students get on the computers for the first time all semester. I am pretty sure that some of them haven’t done their work yet, but I decided I didn’t care. I introduced Ho Man to the class as my teacher’s assistant. He had no clue what that was. He told his new classmates that math was important because you needed to know the angles to stick “it” in the hole. I knew exactly what he meant and didn’t care for him to elaborate. He didn’t. Instead, he fell asleep and didn’t wake up until the period was over. Waking up to leave, he asked me if he was supposed to stay with me for lunch. I needed a break from him, so I told him to go to the cafeteria. Three hours of “yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh man” is enough for one sitting.

Fourth period was when the whining really started. Walking down the hall, I could hear his high-pitched cries. I can imagine it must have been getting pretty old for him, but my side wasn’t much better. However, fourth period was the one I was looking forward to most of all. It would signal the squaring off of two of my most memorable students: Ho Man and Teletubby.

For much of the beginning of class, I thought Ho Man was going to walk out. He kept complaining about how I was “playin’ him.” He demanded to know why he was sitting in the same class the entire day. I offered up several different excuses, such as he was really close to getting a good grade in my class and could use the extra time, he was supposed to help other students, and we made a trade. He didn’t buy any of them. I told him that he could do some investigating at the end of class. He seemed to calm down a bit.

Meanwhile, Teletubby had some issues of his own. I looked on in horror as I saw Third Bun in Oven scratching at his large left cheek. I had no clue what was going on. Walking over to the corner where those two sit, I noticed he had a large white spot on his cheek: SuperGlue. I never found out how it got on his face and I’m not sure I’d want to know. I just know that watching a girl scratching at that meaty cheek was about all I can take. “Why is you always laughin’ at me?” he asked. I’m not sure if it’s possible not to.

By the time fifth period rolled around, I could tell that Ho Man had had enough. The entire class got on my case, telling me I should be ashamed for keeping him from his other classes. “Why you always think everything is funny, brah?” he asked me.

I decided it was time to throw Ho Man a bone. I announced to the class that if he was able to explain the answer to the bell ringer (which I had gone over for him four times throughout the day), I would give everybody in the class candy. Not only could he not explain the answer, Ho Man didn’t even know the answer. He claimed that I never explained it.

A minute later, when I started explaining the problem, he predicted what I was going to do. “Yeah, he has done this all day,” Ho Man said.

Of course, Ho Man may have been preoccupied with the discussion that he was having with The Entertainer and Skinny Kid. They were alleging that The Entertainer had gotten caught having a foursome in the bathroom of her old school. She claimed that they were different instances and only hooked with one guy at a time. In the school bathroom. Finally, I had enough of that and passed out some checks (which I later ripped up).

Big Kid in Camo was back today. Once again, he was testing my patience. He announced in front of the class that I was afraid his dad was going to beat me up, then told me he would be there in the afternoon. I told him that I would be in my room. Never showed. Won’t tomorrow, either. I heard that Big Kid in Camo was suspended again by the end of the day.

A few minutes later, Ho Man and Big Kid were taken out of my room to do some testing. I never saw them again for the rest of the day. I was a little disheartened to learn via the English teacher that Ho Man thought it was all my fault and no longer liked me. However, she also told me that by the time he was finished testing, he had forgotten all about his anger, and most likely, he forgot he was ever in my class at all today.

Skinny Kid tried going on the computer while I was still lecturing, so I punished him by not allowing him to go on the computers with the rest of his classmates. Instead, he shot the bull with me. I learned that he is most excited to go back to his old school because he wants to play baseball. He plays catcher and outfield and wears #2 in honor of Derek Jeter. It is kind of neat to be able to talk to them as just normal kids, and I really am not that far removed from being in that position. I certainly haven’t forgotten that excitement yet.

Homeroom was pointless again. I sat next to the Big White Kid as he was on GoogleEarth. He showed me where he went to high school and played football, and I did the same. Out of all the kids that I teach, he is one of the few that approaches normal. I was glad that he harbored no ill will from yesterday when I made him run.

Work gets less and less like “work” every day. I can’t imagine randomly changing a student’s schedule for one day and forcing him to sit in one classroom all day at a normal school. It was pretty entertaining to see his reactions, but it won’t kill me if I don’t have him for five hours tomorrow. I can only hear about hoes and soul music for so long.

I don’t know will show up tomorrow and what crazy idea the other teachers will come up with. Being the “new guy”, I’ll go with the flow and get a kick out of whatever I come across. Ho Man came to school today to make sure his step sister was alright, and she ended up getting sent home because her shadow wasn’t with her. Ho Man stayed anyways. I have a feeling that if he shows up again tomorrow, the other teachers will find no problem with him taking five hours of math. If he is absent, TB has already volunteered to spend his day with me. It might be easier to swallow, but I’ve been told never to trust a boy with a tongue ring: You never know what you get stuck with.