The weekend got off to a pretty suspect start.
I had worked ahead so I could leave school right at 3:15, drive home, change, post my blog, and drive to New Orleans to be right at the airport to pick up my friend at 5. I had my clothes set out and booked his flight for that specific time so we would have the most possible time in the Big Easy.
Of course, two girls decided it was a good idea to get in a fight minutes before the buses came to pick everybody up. It is normally not a big deal and fairly commonplace, but unfortunately, one of the girl’s parents didn’t come to pick her up. She had talked to them on the phone, but then hung up before any administrator could talk to them. When they tried calling back, there was no answer. The girl claimed they were on their way.
Around 4, they still hadn’t shown up. I carpool with my uncle almost every day, so I had to follow him as he rode with the sergeant to drop her off at the police station. They wouldn’t let her stay there, so my uncle told me to drive home and said he’d meet up with me later. Wonderful.
They ended up getting a hold of somebody and driving her to her grandmother’s house. I don’t know who should be more pissed off: her parents for having a daughter that got in a fight in school or the girl, whose parents don’t care enough to pick her up and take her home. I know my parents would have been really angry had I done something like that in school, but I also know that they wouldn’t have just left me there, 25 miles from home.
Anyways, I stopped home and changed, got my bag packed, and was on the road at around 4:40 PM. I showed up at the airport around 5:30, only 25 minutes late.
I picked up my friend (we will call him Ralph) and drove down to Nawlins toward the cheap hotel I had stayed at with my uncle and his friend. Second problem of the day: the hotel, which quoted me $80 for a room was now saying it would be $100 (114 after taxes and fees). I was pissed, but didn’t want to risk being without a room for the night, so I signed and went up to my room. I was pleased the next morning when the room only ended up being only $75.
We went up to the room and as I was setting my bag down next to the bed, the fire alarm went off. I almost wet my pants. For a solid twenty minutes, we waited outside the room for somebody to come turn it off. Like most Southerners, the hotel workers didn’t seem to be in a hurry to do their job.
Anyways, we didn’t let those minor setbacks put a damper on the night. My uncle showed up shortly after and we set out to find some food and a good time. Armed with 24 oz. Miller Lites for the walk and ready to prove to my friend that I had found my game in Louisiana, I had my first slip up when I spilled my beer all over myself while looking at three attractive girls walking my way. Shaken, I hid my face in a oyster and shrimp po-boy. I promised Ralph some cat, but he was forced to settle on catfish.
We started with some beer and 495-pound blues, quickly progressing to daiquiris and more beer. I could tell Ralph was starting to feel the effects when I pawned off a rapper trying to pawn off his album on him. Instead of saying thanks but no thanks, he proudly purchased Corey T’s hot new album, featuring a blatant rip off of Dr. Dre’s “Nothin’ But A G Thang”.
Not wanting to be outdone in terms of gullibility, I once again proved my ineptness around women. I was starting to feel a good buzz when a girl backed up into me and started rubbing. She turned and asked if we wanted to do a body shot. I had wanted four things for Ralph this weekend: a Hurricane, a Hand Grenade, a body shot, and some cat. He had a Hurricane with his meal. I was about ready to take care of goal number two.
I believe my exact words were “I will buy one for him.” One. Unfortunately, I had gotten some beads from balcony dwellers when I lifted up my shirt to show off my man bosoms. They were used as a leash by one of the shot girls. Two tubes in her mouth. She yanked down hard on my beads and I felt like I had no choice but to take it. She put two more between her breasts. Logic told me that my wallet would be thinning out. I wasn’t listening. Two more in her pants. I had to go for the trifecta. Six down.
Enter exhibit A of the type of friend that I am. Ralph had taken four shots and knew it was time to stop. I decided to take two bullets for my buddy and took two out of his shot girl’s mouth. So, all told I had eight shots in probably 30 seconds. I can’t believe I didn’t throw up.
Gasping for breath, my shot girl grabbed me by the beads and pulled my head down to her chest. Normally, I may have enjoyed it, but I was more concerned with my well-being. What came next burned even more than the eight vials of liquor I had just demolished.
“That’ll be 24 for each of us.” Ouch. It was made worse by the fact that I handed them 3 $20 bills and they said, “We’ll keep this as a tip.” Being an idiot, I didn’t say anything and just stumbled away. Ralph later told me that the shot girls were not attractive. I was too stupid to even look.
The night became a bit of a blur, but highlights included the following:
A) watching a girl ride a mechanic bull topless
B) getting caught attempting to steal a shot from another shot girl and being forced to pay for that shot as well as Ralph’s and a girl’s drink. They never brought me back my change.
C) watching an incredibly attractive girl hula hoop in the street, which was followed by an incredibly unattractive man (myself) do the same thing
D) cockblocking Ralph by coming out on the dance floor when he was dancing with a good looking southern belle
E) returning to World Famous Love Acts. My name was Myron (love those M names). Both Ralph and myself were offered the chance to “have some fun”. We both declined.
F) more boobs on the street
G) I lightened my wallet by about $200.
H) Ralph proved himself to be an exceptional dancer and he has more game than a man of his age should have. I proved myself to be an embarrassingly bad dancer and have absolutely no ability to interact with women whatsoever. It is even hard to believe that I was birthed by a woman.
I) ? (too drunk to remember)
At about three o’clock, we had decided that eight hours of drinking was probably sufficient. I knew that it was time to cross off another item from my weekend goals.
Enter exhibit B of the type of friend I am. Ralph had blown his cash, and he was without a Hand Grenade (certainly cheaper than the stripper/prostitute would have been). I knew that everybody that goes on Bourbon Street needs to experience one, so I insisted that he get one that night. After arguing for several minutes, he finally gave in and accepted my gift. My intentions were good, although anybody approaching sobriety would know that the blast would surely kill him.
It didn’t go off until he was lying in his cheap hotel bed.
…
Saturday morning came too soon. We checked out right at 11 and walked down Canal Street to meet up with my uncle. Ralph appeared to be in pretty rough shape. I stopped by McDonald’s, got a couple of snack wraps and a coke, and we headed down towards the Riverwalk.
I enjoyed a lunch of seafood chowder and alligator. Ralph didn’t eat.
We walked along the river for a while and headed towards the open-air markets. It was around this point that Ralph ralphed. He didn’t appear to be too pleased with my 3 AM gift of a Hand Grenade.
We walked around the French Quarter and caught the tail end of the dancing street performers I had first seen several weeks ago.
The highlight of this day was certainly seeing an older woman painted in all silver yelling at a man in a dress. It is a sight I doubt I will ever see again.
We headed back for home and were all in dire need of naps. The air mattress certainly felt good.
I introduced my friend to the wonders of drive thru daiquiris and Sonic. We took advantage of the Saturday special – one gallon of daiquiri for $17.50. I hit them hard as we watched the Celtics beat the Bulls to advance.
After the game, my uncle and I were excited to show off our favorite – Crescent Bar. What happened next was heartbreaking.
My uncle was there before we were and I called to get an update. He dropped the bombshell: GOMD had just left. I felt no desire to even go out anymore and I knew that the only thing I felt like drinking was pity in the form of straight whiskey. Being a team player, I sucked it up and went on without her. I swear to God that I would have gotten out my first full sentence to her. I was ready.
Have you ever heard a big fish story before? I feel like the Crescent probably seemed like one to Ralph. We had talked it up all day and it was deader than the library at NHS. No female life to speak of.
We walked around a bit before Ralph and I headed back to Somewhere Else. We stayed for a couple of beers and listened to a cover band, which sang songs such as “Purple Rain” and a bunch others that I can’t remember. Next, we stopped by the corner bar which I had never been to before. It oscillated between country karaoke and white trash dancing to hip hop. We had one beer there and argued about whether the black midget who was dancing and groping both men and women was a he or a she. Called it a night around 1:30.
Ate at Waffle House this morning and then made the trip to Mississippi. We stopped by Kiln to see the old stomping grounds of one Brett Lorenzo Favre. It was pretty neat to walk on the field where he played. We stopped at a bar called Broke Spoke, which is pretty run down, but full of Favre memorabilia and signatures from everybody who steps foot in there. We signed and I noticed that there were two signatures from my hometown. Small world.
The bartender claimed he was Deanna Favre's cousin. Not sure if I bought that.
After driving by the place where Favre’s childhood home was (it had been destroyed in Katrina), we went to Biloxi to see the Gulf for the first time. With our luck, it started raining pretty hard. We took shelter in the Hard Rock Casino and ate some more food. It cleared up enough after our meal to walk on the beach a bit.
It is a bit surreal walking along the coast and trying to imagine everything under water like it was four years ago. I can look at the buildings and try to visualize the water level where it was, but it will never do it justice. Still, it arouses a chill a bit stronger than the Gulf breeze.
It was a great weekend and was definitely made better by the fact that for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had somebody worth showing something worth showing. The only shame is it had to end.
I am a person that tends to overanalyze everything. I often look at things that happen and wonder how and why they turned out the way they do. I am trying to get away from doing it as much, but it is pretty amazing how things work out.
I did a lot of that this weekend. Six months ago, I didn’t know who Ralph was. I met him because:
a) my friend asked me to play rec basketball for a bar
b) we started going to that bar
c) another friend started dating a bartender there
d) I started dating her best friend, who became the manager
e) another friend of mine needed a job and my girlfriend hooked her up
f) my friend who had the job was on bad terms with her boss for not being able to get anybody to play darts
g) she asked me to play with the bouncer to help her out with her boss
h) the bouncer asked me to play every week
i) one week when we were short, Ralph happened to be sitting at the bar
j) another bartender asked him randomly if he would play
k) he said yes
l) we had a good time
I got a job teaching because:
a) I couldn’t find a job for seven months
b) My uncle took a job here after struggling to find work for years
c) The one position that they couldn’t fill happened to be the only one I was “somewhat” qualified to teach
d) Having been rejected for over 200 jobs, I based my decision on one main factor (which I will explain later)
It is hard to believe how we end up where we are and who and what end up shaping our lives. I am trying really hard to look at the positives and I genuinely feel fortunate for having the opportunities to meet who I’ve met and do what I do. John Lennon once said that “life is what happens when you are busy making plans”. None of this was in my plans, and I can’t believe that I spent such a great weekend with somebody I didn’t know a year ago in a place I had never thought about being. Lots of opportunities I never imagined having.
Tomorrow, Ralph will get to see me doing something I never imagined doing. I look forward to seeing what he has to say about NHS and how different his perspective is from my own. Perhaps a guest blog entry is in order…
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